I Still Get Nervous Around my Boyfriend

I still get Nervous around my boyfriend.

There, I admit it.

We’re always told that we should feel the most comfortable with the person you decide to enter into a relationship with. And I really really am, I mean I can tell him basically anything without fear of being judged. But, at this point, we’ve been together for a little less than a year, and I still get super nervous bringing up big topics. It’s more of the fact that I start psyching myself out, I get all anxious and begin doubting myself. Even though I already know that the outcome will most likely be a positive one, I still freak the fuck out.

Early on in our relationship, we used to send each other letters because we were long distance. I would be soo nervous that it would take me weeks to even open his letter. Why? I have no freaking idea because when you think about it, it actually doesn’t make sense. Like what could he possibly say that would be bad, I mean I‘m pretty sure he wouldn’t break up with me with a freaking letter. But still, all my rational flies out the window when it comes to him. It become purely emotional and let’s just say that my emotions are out of whack.

I am planning on transferring schools, moving to Ottawa and he’s planning on being there with me. I have been thinking about it for awhile and I really want to ask him if he would want to move in together. It just makes sense for us, and for a person who over thinks every possible thing, I have looked and I really have no doubts, which is very rare. The problem is asking him because I have no way to know how to react. We have established that we want to be together for a long time, so wouldn’t moving in together after moving to a new city be the logical next step. Well, I don’t think something like this can totally be based on logic, I mean to some people it’s a huge deal (I don’t really see it to be that big of a deal to be honest). Then why the hell am I soo nervous that I almost peed my pants?

Today, we were on skype and the second I saw his adorable face and smile I just couldn’t get it out. I couldn’t. Panic set in and I started talking about every topic imaginable except the one that was taunting me in the form of a pros and cons list. So, in the end, I didn’t bring it up, I just maybe need more time to freak out about it before I do.

I know that when I do eventually bring it up, it will be good and we’ll have a great conversation about it. Until then, I am going to continue freaking out, I am a Chandler after all.

What I just dont understand....Bad relationships

Relationships are hard, complicated and sometimes messy. They are also fulfilling and full of hope for the future, fun and passionate; well when you’re with the right person that is. When you’re with the right person, the good should outweigh the little arguments and disagreements that are present in every relationship. But what if it doesn’t? What if the bad is soo much worse than the good is great?

I have been pondering this questions for as long as I have been aware of people in bad relationships (yes, I ponder, it is much fancier than thinking). I definitely cannot judge since we can never know what really happens in a relationship and the inner dynamics of a relationship. And I can’t say I have ever experienced a bad relationship, I have dodged many bullets and have been very lucky. I just want to understand….why stay?

Clearly, what is a bad relationship is completely subjective. The things that are absolute deal breakers for me may be non factors for some. But, I’m pretty sure we can visualize what I mean by a bad relationship. The couples that are constantly breaking up and getting back together (I really cannot stand this), the ones that are constantly hurling insults and threats, the ones that are filled with jealousy and insecurities; those ones.

The most obvious answer would seem that these people just really don’t want to be alone, or just don’t know how to. In this case, I really do think that the most obvious answer is most likely the right one. The people who can’t be single and that being in a dysfunctional relationship is better than nothing, may not even realize that they are in a toxic relationship. They might go with it because they may never have had good relationship role model or, most likely they have really low self-esteem and believe they don’t deserve better.

And that makes me sad.

I know two people in these types of relationships; two of my really good friends in fact. One, who I have known forever, is with a guy who the majority (if not all) of her friends loathe, who disrespects her friends and most everyone he comes into contact with (I, for one have had a myriad of racial insults hurled at me) and who makes insensitive comments about her friend’s bodies when they are not even present to defend themselves.  He is also extremely controlling, looks through her phone without permission and seems to think that everyone of her guy friends is into her, and if she denies them, he calls them gay. Doesn’t he sound like a catch?

The second, has been with her boyfriend for almost three years, and has been rocky form the start. They have broken up sooooo many times, she is known as the girl who cries break-up. He is VERY controlling, not letting her go out with people of whom he doesn’t know or approve of (and this is tricky since they don’t live in the same city, how is he supposed to know all her friends?), he doesn’t let her drink either, so she tends not to go out much. Once, during a conversation she asked how frenchie was doing, I told her he was out drinking with some friends, and she was shocked that I would allow him to go out to a bar, with out me. She has been a source of tension in his family and caused many disagreements because they believe that she is impacting his grades and she takes all the blame. Very healthy, don’t you think?

These cases are very different, yet similar. The players are vastly different but the outcome is the same. These people are stuck in destructive relationship patterns and they haven’t yet discovered how to get out. As a friend, I try to be supportive, or you know, avoid them when the significant other is near. As an impartial observer, I’m left perplexed. I really don’t understand it, and I probably never will, unless I end up in one of these myself. I really hope not, mostly because I’m basically never going to break up with frenchie….

Well that is the plan anyways :)

College Chick Code

We live in a world of codes; the penal code, area codes and morse code. But obviously, the most important code that we all know is the BRO CODE. Bros are described on urban dictionary as being “obnoxious partying males who are often seen at college parties. When they aren’t making an ass of themselves they usually just stand around holding a red plastic cup waiting for something exciting to happen so they can scream something that demonstrates how much they enjoy partying." 

But for me, bros originated from Barney Stinson on one of my favourite shows ever…How I Met your Mother. Since then, it was become a huge phenomenon, and has spawned something known as bro tips which are can be hilarious, sometimes sexist but usually pretty insightful.

But you never really here about girl code. Especially college girl code. My list is more rules then tips or statements,

1.      Chicks  shall not allow girl to drunk call or drunk text. It’s  just super super embarrassing, and EVERYONE regrets them the next morning 

2.       Chicks shall not judge other girl on the appearance/personality of past hook-ups. Everyone has those nights where you have massive beer goggles and may not make the best decision boy wise. However, they probably already know that the guy they woke up next too looked like a troll, we really don’t need to rub it in.

3.       Chicks shall not post pictures on facebook where they look great and friends look awful. That is just too cruel.

4.       Chicks shall let other girls borrow clothes. This is definitely required if you are of similar size as your friends. If you are going out often, you don’t want to be seen in the same clothes a lot, it’s always great to switch it up.

5.       Chicks shall offer to pay for dry cleaning if something is spilled on borrowed clothes. This should be obvious, and if its not, you’re probably a terrible person.

6.       Chicks not date or flirt with ex-boyfriend. This is complicated, because I know a lot of people who have dated each other’s exes. I think it depends on how serious the relationship is and in my mind, high school relationships do not count, unless they lasted past graduation.

7.       Chicks shall tell the truth about how they feel about a friend’s significant other. I think this is really important because relationships need trust. If you like the significant other, then tell them if they ask (and they always ask) and if you don’t, you should tell them too. I think it’s always helpful to hear from a friend what they think, especially a close friend because they tend to know you very very well. People are often blinded by love, and they might not notice little things that their partner does that may not be in their best interest. I’m not saying bash the person mercilessly, I’m just saying express your feelings if asked, and don’t bring up again.

8.       Chicks shall help beautify friends when going out. Help do hair, makeup, picking out outfits. Sad to say, but the appearance of one member usually reflects on the group. Ugh I really feel awful for saying this.

9.       Chicks shall provide pointers, help and support. When it comes to female friendships, there are many layers, because their might be jealousy, some sort of animosity or some form of miscommunication. Frenemies come to mind. That said, chicks have some amazing tips that they can share with a fellow girl, be it study tips, workout tips, cooking tips, book recommendations (this is very important for me), money saving tips and the list goes on. Spread the word, it’s no good to keep these things to yourself.

10.   Chicks shall go ahead with crazy plans when friends are going through tough times. I mentioned above that chick friendships can be complicated, but they can be very very rewarding and can be the most important relationships you form. When friends are going through hard time, be it exam stress, boy trouble, family issues, work problems and they want to de stress, try and go along with their crazy ideas. They would gladly do the same for you.

11.   Chicks shall support their fellow chicks in future career or academic goals. As a college student, I think this is one of the most important because most of us are completely lost, so we use our friends as sounding boards to bounce off our ideas and fears for our future. It’s hard feeling like you don’t know where you’re going to end up, but having someone to talk to, who is probably going through the same thing. 

Dating Dealbreakers

I am definitely the opposite of a serial monogamist. It just boggles my mind how people can find soo many people that they are super attracted to and want to date so quickly. Maybe they are not very picky and the only requirements they have in a partner is has a penis or vagina or you know is breathing (except the necrophiliacs who don’t really need the breathing to be turned on). But I am not one who easily gets in to relationships; it’s a really big thing that I cannot just be in with someone who is just ok, they need to be better than ok for me. Obviously, people have their own list of criteria that qualifies someone as being better than ok, but what are things that would make you run away screaming in the other direction?

Well here are mine

1.      Abuse (mental or physical): this is a really really big one and it’s pretty self explanatory. I have no interest in being with someone who hurts me, whether that is by hitting or putting me down. Just. Cannot. Deal.

2.       Jealousy: Is such a huge no. I want to be with a  guy who is secure enough to understand that yes, I sometimes talk to people of the opposite sex and no, that does not mean that I want to have their children (well I might want their children, but I’m not actually going to do anything about that). It always mystifies me to know end people who have decided to pair up with such jealous and controlling people. I have heard people justify it by saying, well they care about me so it’s ok, ummm it’s never ok for someone to control who you can and cannot be friends with. Never.

3.       Bad kisser/bad in bed: ok I’m sure this is not something on everyone’s list, or it may be on the list but they may not admit it, either way this is definitely a deal breaker. Why would I settle down with someone who is just not great in bed? What’s the point? Yes, I may care for them and what not, but if we are not able to connect on that sexual level, then I don’t really want to connect on any level.

4.       Not ambitious: This is not negotiable. I cannot be with someone, let alone attracted to someone, that does not have bigger plans then going to a bar this Friday night. I mean don’t you have dreams? Or aspirations? Or you know a soul? I have dreams and places I want to go and things I want to accomplish, I want someone to help me achieve my goals as I help them achieve theirs. I do not want someone ridding on my coat tails…way too depressing.

5.       Opposite political views or no political views: I’m a liberal thinker and I come from a family with liberal thinkers, and I know that I would not be able to be with someone with more conservative views. Why? Well, conservatives are usually anti-immigrants, anti- abortion/women’s rights, anti-gay rights, way too into big business and a multitude of other reasons. These things are all extremely important to me.

1.       Very religious: I am in no way against religion. I am against organized religion for myself. That’s it. So I feel like an extremely religious person wouldn’t want to be with someone who on my best days is  an agnostic and at my worst is atheist and on those days, I really don’t want to hear about whatever deity they happen to believe in. 

1.    Smokers: I don’t like the smell, and I probably wouldn’t like the taste. 

The "hook-up" Culture

I was reading an article recently about relationship trends on college campuses that was preaching the same thing that I’ve been hearing for years: college students are not forming relationships; instead, they are only hooking up. First let’s discuss my hatred of the word hook-up, it is just so vague! Hooking up can mean anything from getting a drink “oh, we hooked up and went for a coffee” or to having dirty sex in an equally dirty bar bathroom. Why is it so difficult for us to just say what we did with someone; that we made-out with them or that we gave them a blow job or that we had intercourse? It’s just so vague and that is precisely why we use it. For people who are ashamed to not be going far enough, we can use the umbrella term hooking up to seem that we are going further than we actually are (I think more guys than girls are guilty of this) and for the rest, they use it because they might be ashamed of telling someone what they did someone. I for one will never let someone just tell me that they “hooked up with someone” I need to know exactly what you did or don’t tell me anything, it’s all or nothing.

So, what exactly is this hook-up culture that is presumably so rampant on college campuses? And is it really more rampant than before? Mind you, most of the articles I have read on the subject have been about American universities, but I’m pretty sure they can easily apply to most campuses where the male to female ration is heavily skewed towards the ones without the Y chromosome.

When you’re a senior in high school, you are bombarded with information about universities such as which school has the better programs, campus size and location. We also hear about the social aspects of these schools, the ones with the crazy parties, the hottest girls or boys, the most unattractive campuses. Hell, when I was discussing going to the University of Western Ontario with my mom, she asked, why would you want to go to a party school?

University of Western Ontario, is an academically rigorous school with great programs, however, it is overwhelmingly known as a party school. Laurier is a school that shares the city of waterloo with me and is definitely known as the much “easier” girls as compared to UW. Why is that? Well UWO and Laurier are schools where the overwhelming majority of the students are female, 58% and 61% respectively. That is a huge gap. My experience is that when there are more girls on campus or way more datable girls on a campus, that guys have absolutely no reason to want to settle down. The most stereotypically desired guys, the jocks, have their pick of the litter, they can pick and choose and if they wanted too, they could sleep their way through the faculties. And the girls just follow suit. Maybe because they also don’t feel the need to settle down, which is actually more common than people are willing to believe. However, a lot of them just don’t know what else to do, because if they don’t sleep with the guy, he could easily find another chick to sleep with.

I always wondered why so many of the girls from my high school chose Laurier. Laurier is just an ok school, I mean in first wear our don wrote a song about waterloo, and told us if we couldn’t handle it we could just go to the high school down the road. Laurier does have a good business program, but that is about it, do these girls just want to be a part of the cycle of “hot” girls that go through the doors? Or is there something else?

A site became popular a year ago called, likealittle.com. It was missed connections for college campuses and it was hilariously entertaining. But not the waterloo page, no we always checked out the Laurier page because the lines were always that much more bold and it was both guys and girls writing these super sexual lines. It was fantastic! Everyone at Laurier joined in on the fun, they were free to say whatever they wanted and hook-up with whomever they wanted. But maybe it was just a game, and neither party wanted to be left out so most people played along, not wanting to step out of the rotation of casual sex.

My University is very different. The majority of people I know are in serious, long term relationships. Actually, all my best friends from the school seem to be serial monogamists, going from one relationship to the next. 57% of the population is male at waterloo. In this case, there are way more available men then there are women, which explains why there seem to be way more relationships then not. Basically, the women rule the school in terms of choices, the can be picky, they can have the high standards and it’s up to the guy to live up to those standards, mainly being great boyfriend material.

But I also can’t help but think it has also to do with cultural aspects of the school. The majority of students at waterloo are of Asian descent, and more than any other cultural grouping, they seem to be creating and maintaining the most constant streams of relationships. Maybe because they frown on having casual sex with multiple partners, unlike those of their white and black counterparts, or maybe it’s because they just see relationships differently.  Either way, it is definitely not something I have ever seen addressed in any of the articles about campus hook-up culture.

Also, maybe the more academically rigorous the schools are, the more likely people are to form pairs. I’m just throwing this out there, but maybe it is true. Waterloo, is a very tough school to not fail out of, even the supposed, “soft programs” are very rigorous, but with the majority of students being in engineering, science and math at this university, maybe that is also a factor.

Basically, I’m really not sure what the answer is to this question, and I’ll probably be blogging about this again when I analyze the situation more. However I will say that hooking up with multiple people is not a bad thing, if you want to make out with some hot guy then do it, if you want to sleep with the entire football team then go ahead. My problem is that university campuses are being framed as these huge orgy parties which is not close to the truth. I know way more virgins then people who have slept with more than 10 people either by choice or not. But this fact isn’t talked about because it isn’t sensational enough. 

Internship Decisions

As I've mentioned before, the Frenchie lives in San Francisco. I don't. 

So, a couple months back, I came up with the idea to do summer sessions at Berkeley so that I could be closer to him in the summer. Well it turned out that my parents were for the decision, only if i paid for it myself, which was never going to happen. Before my parents had decided to turn me down, I started applying to internships in the area also, so i could make the most out of my summer experience. 

Well I got accepted to work at Planned Parenthood Shasta Pacific as a Public Affairs Intern, which I was super excited about. Then I thought about it and realized that I didn't want to live in one of the most expensive US cities jsut for an unpaid, part time internship. So, i started looking around for other part time internships where I would be able to fill time when i wasn't at planned parenthood.

Then came an email yesterday that made my decision, I got an internship for the Department of Women's Affairs. Yay!!

So now, my summer plans are coming together, it looks like I might be in San Francisco without a Frenchie which is depressing. His internship is finished soon and if he doesn't get this job, he's going to have to start the job hunt.I know he'll find a job, since I'm pretty sure there is a great need for software developers in the bay area, just a guess.

But, if he doesn't get a job, then I'm going to be stuck, in San Francisco for 4 months working 2 internships and 5 online courses.

I guess it will be a very interesting experience. 

Nice Guys don't Always Finish Last

This starts off as a complete dating horror story that has a very sweet ending.

Lisa works for a tech start up company in the Toronto area and as is the norm, she was one of the only women in her entire office, which led to many unwanted advances and flirtation. This all changed when someone new entered the office. According to her, there was an audible swoon when this piece of man meat, came into the office.

It began as innocent flirtation, she really didn't want to get involved with a co-worker and she had just gotten out of a pretty intense 4 year relationship. But when he asked her to go out for drinks, she literally jumped at the chance (hey, she hadn't been laid in a while). They planned on meeting at a bar of a trendy downtown hotel, where she arrived 5 mins early. 30 mins later, he had still not shown up and Lisa was starting to panic; "what would happen the next day at work?" " would it be awkward to see him after he stood me up?"  So to keep from thinking, she started drinking, and drinking and was joined by some other people in the bar.

An hour later than the agreed upon time, he showed up, and told her that he had taken a nap and had forgotten to set an alarm. She couldn't blame him for that. So he said why don't we just have another drink here and then go to the party I was talking about at work. She agreed, and he ordered 6 drinks for himself on her tab, when it was time to pay for the bill, he looked at her innocently and said "well since the tab was already open, I thought you should pay for the drinks, it only makes sense."

Well at this point, Lisa was fuming, but in her mind he was hot enough for her to let it slide. And she really wanted to have sex

They arrive to an already packed party, where Lisa is hastily introduced to a bunch of his friends. 30 mins into the party, her date disappears and she's left to roam through the party by herself. She starts talking to a nice guy that she recognized from her office but didn't know very well and asks him if he has any idea where her date might be, "oh, he's probably in a room having sex with his ex-girlfriends, he tends to do that." Well this was the last straw, she refused to be used and disrespected like that, so she decided she wanted to leave. The nice guy she had been talking too offered to split a cab with her since they were headed in the same direction. He seemed nice enough, so she agreed.

Once in the cab, she started to feel sick, and with no where to throw up. In a panic, she opened up the  window and started throwing up while the cab was driving and the new guy was patting her back awkwardly. It was definitely not the prettiest scene. When they arrived at her apartment, nice guy helped her up the stairs and out her into bed. He stayed with her all night and helped her throw up when she needed too.

The next morning, she found him asleep on the couch and came to the realization, maybe I noticed the wrong guy after all.

Lisa and James have now been together for a year, how cute is that?
Happy anniversary you 2! <3