I Still Get Nervous Around my Boyfriend

I still get Nervous around my boyfriend.

There, I admit it.

We’re always told that we should feel the most comfortable with the person you decide to enter into a relationship with. And I really really am, I mean I can tell him basically anything without fear of being judged. But, at this point, we’ve been together for a little less than a year, and I still get super nervous bringing up big topics. It’s more of the fact that I start psyching myself out, I get all anxious and begin doubting myself. Even though I already know that the outcome will most likely be a positive one, I still freak the fuck out.

Early on in our relationship, we used to send each other letters because we were long distance. I would be soo nervous that it would take me weeks to even open his letter. Why? I have no freaking idea because when you think about it, it actually doesn’t make sense. Like what could he possibly say that would be bad, I mean I‘m pretty sure he wouldn’t break up with me with a freaking letter. But still, all my rational flies out the window when it comes to him. It become purely emotional and let’s just say that my emotions are out of whack.

I am planning on transferring schools, moving to Ottawa and he’s planning on being there with me. I have been thinking about it for awhile and I really want to ask him if he would want to move in together. It just makes sense for us, and for a person who over thinks every possible thing, I have looked and I really have no doubts, which is very rare. The problem is asking him because I have no way to know how to react. We have established that we want to be together for a long time, so wouldn’t moving in together after moving to a new city be the logical next step. Well, I don’t think something like this can totally be based on logic, I mean to some people it’s a huge deal (I don’t really see it to be that big of a deal to be honest). Then why the hell am I soo nervous that I almost peed my pants?

Today, we were on skype and the second I saw his adorable face and smile I just couldn’t get it out. I couldn’t. Panic set in and I started talking about every topic imaginable except the one that was taunting me in the form of a pros and cons list. So, in the end, I didn’t bring it up, I just maybe need more time to freak out about it before I do.

I know that when I do eventually bring it up, it will be good and we’ll have a great conversation about it. Until then, I am going to continue freaking out, I am a Chandler after all.

What I just dont understand....Bad relationships

Relationships are hard, complicated and sometimes messy. They are also fulfilling and full of hope for the future, fun and passionate; well when you’re with the right person that is. When you’re with the right person, the good should outweigh the little arguments and disagreements that are present in every relationship. But what if it doesn’t? What if the bad is soo much worse than the good is great?

I have been pondering this questions for as long as I have been aware of people in bad relationships (yes, I ponder, it is much fancier than thinking). I definitely cannot judge since we can never know what really happens in a relationship and the inner dynamics of a relationship. And I can’t say I have ever experienced a bad relationship, I have dodged many bullets and have been very lucky. I just want to understand….why stay?

Clearly, what is a bad relationship is completely subjective. The things that are absolute deal breakers for me may be non factors for some. But, I’m pretty sure we can visualize what I mean by a bad relationship. The couples that are constantly breaking up and getting back together (I really cannot stand this), the ones that are constantly hurling insults and threats, the ones that are filled with jealousy and insecurities; those ones.

The most obvious answer would seem that these people just really don’t want to be alone, or just don’t know how to. In this case, I really do think that the most obvious answer is most likely the right one. The people who can’t be single and that being in a dysfunctional relationship is better than nothing, may not even realize that they are in a toxic relationship. They might go with it because they may never have had good relationship role model or, most likely they have really low self-esteem and believe they don’t deserve better.

And that makes me sad.

I know two people in these types of relationships; two of my really good friends in fact. One, who I have known forever, is with a guy who the majority (if not all) of her friends loathe, who disrespects her friends and most everyone he comes into contact with (I, for one have had a myriad of racial insults hurled at me) and who makes insensitive comments about her friend’s bodies when they are not even present to defend themselves.  He is also extremely controlling, looks through her phone without permission and seems to think that everyone of her guy friends is into her, and if she denies them, he calls them gay. Doesn’t he sound like a catch?

The second, has been with her boyfriend for almost three years, and has been rocky form the start. They have broken up sooooo many times, she is known as the girl who cries break-up. He is VERY controlling, not letting her go out with people of whom he doesn’t know or approve of (and this is tricky since they don’t live in the same city, how is he supposed to know all her friends?), he doesn’t let her drink either, so she tends not to go out much. Once, during a conversation she asked how frenchie was doing, I told her he was out drinking with some friends, and she was shocked that I would allow him to go out to a bar, with out me. She has been a source of tension in his family and caused many disagreements because they believe that she is impacting his grades and she takes all the blame. Very healthy, don’t you think?

These cases are very different, yet similar. The players are vastly different but the outcome is the same. These people are stuck in destructive relationship patterns and they haven’t yet discovered how to get out. As a friend, I try to be supportive, or you know, avoid them when the significant other is near. As an impartial observer, I’m left perplexed. I really don’t understand it, and I probably never will, unless I end up in one of these myself. I really hope not, mostly because I’m basically never going to break up with frenchie….

Well that is the plan anyways :)