Relationships are hard, complicated and sometimes messy.
They are also fulfilling and full of hope for the future, fun and passionate;
well when you’re with the right person that is. When you’re with the right
person, the good should outweigh the little arguments and disagreements that
are present in every relationship. But what if it doesn’t? What if the bad is
soo much worse than the good is great?
I have been pondering this questions for as long as I have
been aware of people in bad relationships (yes, I ponder, it is much fancier
than thinking). I definitely cannot judge since we can never know what really
happens in a relationship and the inner dynamics of a relationship. And I can’t
say I have ever experienced a bad relationship, I have dodged many bullets and
have been very lucky. I just want to understand….why stay?
Clearly, what is a bad relationship is completely
subjective. The things that are absolute deal breakers for me may be non
factors for some. But, I’m pretty sure we can visualize what I mean by a bad
relationship. The couples that are constantly breaking up and getting back
together (I really cannot stand this), the ones that are constantly hurling
insults and threats, the ones that are filled with jealousy and insecurities;
those ones.
The most obvious answer would seem that these people just really
don’t want to be alone, or just don’t know how to. In this case, I really do
think that the most obvious answer is most likely the right one. The people who
can’t be single and that being in a dysfunctional relationship is better than
nothing, may not even realize that they are in a toxic relationship. They might
go with it because they may never have had good relationship role model or,
most likely they have really low self-esteem and believe they don’t deserve
better.
And that makes me sad.
I know two people in these types of relationships; two of my
really good friends in fact. One, who I have known forever, is with a guy who
the majority (if not all) of her friends loathe, who disrespects her friends
and most everyone he comes into contact with (I, for one have had a myriad of
racial insults hurled at me) and who makes insensitive comments about her
friend’s bodies when they are not even present to defend themselves. He is also extremely controlling, looks
through her phone without permission and seems to think that everyone of her
guy friends is into her, and if she denies them, he calls them gay. Doesn’t he
sound like a catch?
The second, has been with her boyfriend for almost three
years, and has been rocky form the start. They have broken up sooooo many
times, she is known as the girl who cries break-up. He is VERY controlling, not
letting her go out with people of whom he doesn’t know or approve of (and this
is tricky since they don’t live in the same city, how is he supposed to know
all her friends?), he doesn’t let her drink either, so she tends not to go out
much. Once, during a conversation she asked how frenchie was doing, I told her he was out drinking with some friends, and she was shocked that I would allow him to go out to a bar, with out me. She has been a source of tension
in his family and caused many disagreements because they believe that she is
impacting his grades and she takes all the blame. Very healthy, don’t you
think?
These cases are very different, yet similar. The players are
vastly different but the outcome is the same. These people are stuck in
destructive relationship patterns and they haven’t yet discovered how to get
out. As a friend, I try to be supportive, or you know, avoid them when the
significant other is near. As an impartial observer, I’m left perplexed. I
really don’t understand it, and I probably never will, unless I end up in one
of these myself. I really hope not, mostly because I’m basically never going to
break up with frenchie….
Well that is the plan anyways :)
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